The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
