My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
