Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Someone signed my nipple.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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