escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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