i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
