Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
