last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
