After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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