she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize