mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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