WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
