Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
