Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
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