I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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