why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
