the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
