Moan for me like Helen Keller
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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