Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
