i permit you to call me
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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