The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
