Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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