He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
