wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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