you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
