You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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