um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
