my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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