y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
