dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Randomize
