Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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