Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
