i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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