im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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