New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
