If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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