Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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