after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
