I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
