I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
