So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
