Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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