I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
