Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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