We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
