dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize