mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She's the barista slut.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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