It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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