They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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