I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
