So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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