I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
