My first STD was from a foam party
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
