i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
