my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
