Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
My penis needs a shock collar
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize