Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
