I haven't been this sober since birth.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
