Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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