Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
