never play flip cup with pint glasses
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Mom said you looked used
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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